I just found out today is Middle Name Pride Day, and I’d like to talk about this. That might seem silly, but hear me out:
My name is Kaitlin Gratia Mittelman.
When I was little, I was one of many Caitlins. (Apparently, Caitlyn was a highly popular girls’ name in the ’90s.) I remember teachers calling roll at the beginning of the day, and all us Kaitlyns had to learn how many other Catelyns were before and after us so we knew when to say, “Here!”.
Some teachers started calling us by our last names. Some teachers called us first and last names. Some teachers called us Caitlan Last-Initial. Some teachers gave up after the first week and just left it to us to figure it out.
There are literally so many of us. One of my classes in the sixth-grade had eight of us. Eight. All spelled different ways.
I didn’t have another name to go by. I don’t like nicknames, and I hated my middle name. It was old-fashioned and unique.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d always loved unique and, especially, old-fashioned names. (My future children are screwed.) These names are so pretty on everyone else.
But never for me. When you have a name like that, you stick out of the crowd. I did everything I could to stay as hidden in the middle of that pile as I could.
I already stuck out for another reason, but that’s a story for another day.
Come late middle school, however, I had started to get invested in genealogy. Turns out, the name Gratia was my great-great-grandmother‘s name and a Countryman family creation.
Gratia Countryman was a proud, career woman of her era:
- running a public library📚
- never marrying (but living with her suspected female partner)👩❤️👩
- a vocal suffragette📣
- the adoptive mother of my great-grandfather👩👩👦
(An unmarried, career woman adopting a young boy? #girlpower)
I learned that Gratia was much like my own grandmother, Alta: Strong-willed and no-bull. We always joked about Alta throwing my father and his siblings outside for the whole day—and she never did master the kitchen—but she was kind of a badass.
After learning all of that about Gratia—and moving to high school with only thirteen other kids from my middle school—I decided I wanted to celebrate her name.
It still didn’t seem like mine. For a long time, I’d introduce myself to new people as both “Kaitlin” and “Gratia” and let them choose. That didn’t go so well.
For the last decade+, I’ve gone by mostly Gratia. Because I “changed” my name so late in life, I didn’t demand people who knew me before—either friends or extended family—to switch names. So, about 95% of people called me “Gratia”, and the other 5% called me “Kaitlin”. (One cousin and one aunt from either side of the tree has jumped ship, and it still feels weird.😅)
Then, in the last couple years, while developing PEMN and its related medias, I started introducing myself as “Kaitlin Gratia”. Both names, together.
I have to say, I’ve never felt more secure in who I am.
Some of that comes with age, of course. Some of that comes with experience. A lot of it, though, comes from a belief that your name (A) says a lot about you and (B) has a say in who you become.
Is that crazy? I always thought it was cool.
I heard about it the first time in middle school. Didn’t think much of it until recently. But it makes sense.
Names have meaning. Parents spend a great deal of time coming up with the RIGHT name for their child. Sometimes, there are cultural or linguistic meanings.
Take my names:
- Kaitlin means pure- or kind-hearted. It’s also derived from Katherine which means light.
- Gratia means grace, gracefulness, or grace from God.
Most people know one or more of the meanings for Kaitlin. Even though no one ever knows Gratia, they can usually figure that meaning out, too.
Knowing those definitions might lead them to make assumptions about me. Knowing those definitions may have also led other people—especially when I was a child—to expect certain things from me.
This is all subconscious, of course. That said, there is some science (here or here) that suggests these subconscious leaps happen and/or can be pretty powerful.
In the years since I’ve learned of that science—specially the softer science that suggests your name actually has some power over how you grow up—I’ve asked my friends about my names. Every single one of them say my names fit me to a T.
I do not disagree.
What is most interesting to me, however, are the years that I used either name. In the Kaitlin-Era, I was shy and awkward and all about everyone else’s wishes coming first. I’d (literally) put myself in a corner if it meant someone else could be happy sitting where I had been. I’d make myself unhappy without a second thought.
The Gratia-years were much more about me, what I needed and wanted, and giving myself the space to be that person. I fought for what made me happy and slowly trained myself not to feel guilty when I didn’t give up my seat at the lunch table to someone else.
Now, at nearly 27 years old, I am something of a mixture between the two. I’m caught between my two selves, and I’m pretty damn happy with who I’ve become. The road was rough getting here, but I am here now.
I’ve got my gown💃, I’m building my throne💺, and I’ll earn my crown👑. My names give me power, and I will wield them.
