I’ve never been someone to have a mantra or a life’s quote, if you will. I obviously have quotes I like, but there’s never been one that really resonated with me long-term.
In the last week or so, I’ve found them. Correction: I found two. I made up one.
That said, they’ve become extremely important and influential for me already.
“All your tomorrows rely on today.”
I don’t remember where I first heard this. It was recently, sometime early this year. I remember because I was having a hard time prioritizing my Korea application with all else that was demanding my attention.
I knew I wanted to teach in Korea, but that process was dragging me down. It was frustrating and excruciatingly slow and bureaucratic as hell. Every time I went back to it, a little part of me burst into flames–and not the good kind.
I avoided it at all cost, until I saw this quote. I realized the ultimate cost would be the opportunity itself.
And while I hated that application process, I despised the idea of having to stay in Georgia and work a low-paying non-career job for the next 10 years until I could go back to school.
First of all, I am not going to be 36 years old before going back to school. Second of all, I hate Georgia. And I can’t stay in Georgia. Not when I have the chance to get out.
So, I wrote this quote in my bullet journal. And on my hand. On those days when I really couldn’t be bothered with anything application related, I’d stare at that quote and remind myself how much I could not stay in Georgia.
That seemed to work. I’ve just signed a contract with a South Korean hagwon.
“To be happy is a great decision.”
My newest find, it proves to be the most realistic quote I’ve heard, probably, ever. To be happy is a great decision. Is this not the most adult thing you’ve ever heard?
When you’re a child, happiness is attached to things: toys, technology, play-dates with friends.
But as you get older, happiness starts being the resulting reward of “If, Then” statements. If I write on my blog every week, then I’ll be happy. If I get married, then I’ll be happy. If I move to England, then I’ll be happy.
Obviously, I’m a big fan of the Enjoy the Moment movement, which basically says to stop worrying about tomorrow and yesterday. Yesterday is over and cannot be changed, and tomorrow will take care of itself. Today should have your full attention. Allow yourself to find happiness in what you can accomplish today.
If, Then statements make no one happy, and they certainly never result in happiness. There’s always a new goal on the horizon, so teach yourself to find joy in the journey rather than the destination.
But I find both the realization and the implementation of said realization to be something that occurs in adult life. At least it did for me.
I’d heard the phrases a million times as a teenager and college kid, but it never resonated. People led me to the river, but I never drank the water. I just stood stubbornly at the edge, convinced I knew best.
What I didn’t realize was my own stubbornness–a quality I rather appreciate in myself–is what stood in my way. I couldn’t see what I needed to in order to really make a decision because all I could see was my own reflection, a reflection I was proud of.
Choosing to be happy is such a foreign concept to children, teenagers, and college kids. But upon arriving at the edge of adulthood, not only does it not feel like a pipe-dream anymore, but it’s like I might already have the right tools, too.
It’s a daily choice, to be happy.
“Don’t punish yourself for being yourself.”
That stubbornness from the section above is a great example.
I’ve always been proud of my stubbornness. It made me feel strong. It’s something that I was always good at, and while it is something I’ve had to learn to get around in some situations, it’s never been something I wanted to change about myself.
Stubbornness is not always a great trait. Stubbornness might make me great at perseverance, but it can be blinding, too. My stubbornness had little negative effect on my relationships because I’m rather empathetic as well–which leads me to consider others’ feelings more than my own. In doing so, though, it’s encouraged a big shadow to arise over me in childhood, one I didn’t really get rid of until London the first time.
Then, my stubbornness became positive again. London became and is still that goal, but it’s not a “Then”. My stubbornness will keep me on the right path, but I can smell the daisies in the meantime. I can wander by the river for a while before getting back on the road. My stubbornness (and my great love for London) will not wane, but I also won’t punish myself for wanting to enjoy the road.
That’s where this quote really comes into play. The quote I made up. Don’t punish yourself for being yourself.
There are good and bad traits in all of us. My stubbornness might be a little of both, but I have others that are all good or all bad.
Shrinking myself to fit within others’ opinions is solidly bad. Being that empathetic of people is mostly good.
Once upon a time, society dictated that you could be one thing and only one thing, and you had to be really good at the one thing you did and you are. You ignore the bad parts of your life and dig through. Everybody has problems, nobody cares about your issues. That’s what I grew up with.
And now, everyone is all about self-love and focusing on the good. Give yourself space to have your feelings and put things that stress you out on the back-burner while you recover. And while I have my own opinions about the self-love movement, I do prefer this social mindset to the one I had when I was little.
The thing is focusing on the positive and forgiving yourself for not being able to do it all is not enough. There’s two parts to all of us. It’s just like the (Sioux) Sitting Bull saying, “There are two dogs inside of me. One is mean and evil and the other is good, and they fight each other all the time. When asked which one wins I answer, the one I feed the most.”
There’s truth in that. We have to feed the dogs, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to feed the evil dog. Some of those characteristics in me that are inherently bad, maybe I shouldn’t feed, but the ones that are only kind of bad or only bad because someone else tells me they are, I don’t regret feeding those.
I won’t feed my childhood need to please everyone, because that did nothing to support me. But I choose to feed my stubbornness and my protectiveness of my people that isn’t always nice.
I choose also to accept those worse parts of myself: my bitchiness, my savage judgement. I won’t feed these dogs, but I won’t disown them either. They are a parts of me, parts I don’t like, but parts that in trying to change make me hate myself when I can’t make them go away.
So, they can be here and I’ll accept them. I won’t chase them away. They can share the safe, warm shelter of the other dogs and maybe get a few scraps of food every now again. I choose not to hate myself for not being able to chase out the worse parts of myself, because they’re still parts of myself. I’m not all good nor am I all bad, and that’s okay.
I won’t punish myself for true to myself.
